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Guest Opinion

Adopt a government?

East Bernard Express of East Bernard, Texas

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A friend recently sent me some ideas that other countries have incorporated in their government programs. Here are some programs already legalized in some other countries:

State-provided new baby kit. Every pregnant Finnish woman is eligible for a free, state sponsored "maternity box" which includes a bed, clothes, diapers, etc. Mark Twain had a much more simple idea. He wrote that every child should be placed inside a barrel and fed through a bung hole until he is 18 at which time the bung hole should be permanently sealed. Twain did leave the top open, just cut off the flow of free chow. Free food is provided in another program, naturally. But that's thinking outside the barrel.

Paid parental leave. The most generous country in this regard is the Czech Republic. Both parents are eligible for a minimum of 14 weeks of government-paid leave. Remember this is for government employees. Everybody else has to immigrate to America and vote for Bernie Sanders.

Fifty per cent tax reduction for Christmas. In Norway the government wants everyone to have a merry Christ mas so they cut the tax in half during the month of November. Citizens protested when they doubled taxes in December. Go figure.

Income based fine system. In Finland and Sweden speeding tickets are based on your level of income. An American man whose annual income was $11,000,000 per year had to pay a fine of $200,000 for speeding. Rumor has it he hired a chauffeur for $10,000 per year, wrote off $190,000 as a tax loss and went on to win the nomination for president.

In England some companies allow paid sick leave for women having facelifts and tummy tucks. One woman, aged 50, decided to go for it. She was so pleased with the results that she dropped in a local pub for a pint of beer and a kidney pie. The waitress was the friendly sort so the woman asked, "How old do you think I am?" The waitress guessed 30. She replied, "I'm one day over 50."

Everyone nearby was amazed and applauded so she was emboldened to ask again at a news stand; the guess was 29. Pleased as punch, at the bus stop, she asked an old man wearing a bowler hat and carrying a cane. He politely replied that he was 82 and his eyes were failing him but suggested he could tell exactly how old a woman is just by holding her in his arms and giving her a passionate kiss. Since she was single again she decided she would allow him to demonstrate in the interest of science. He asked a young boy to hold his hat, gloves and cane then gave her hugs & caresses topped off with a world class smackeroo. Then he said, "Madam, you are one day over 50."

She said, "How on earth did you know?"

He replied, "My dear, I was sitting behind you in the pub."

Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton. For more information, visit

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Original Publication Date: July 16, 2016

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